All right, uh… No, whoa, whoa! Just say good shit to other people and you’ll feel amazing. I went… Yeah. We oppress the Indian girl child by keeping her out of school. That’s if he had a career in the first place.” And then my phone stopped ringing… for five months.

Eighty percent of America speaks English good. Here’s the right one. Big, big balls. It was, “Party, party, shit, shit, the end.” But I was kind of desperate.

I’m sorry, Indians, “filet migg-non”. Design & Developed by Innovins. I don’t know. I want to be a superhero. Is this powerful?

And then, honestly, I didn’t think about you guys for 15 years. Do you know what it’s like to live in a house with six empty bedrooms? But we’re sold on these Bollywood dreams when we’re in school, right?

Every time a woman in India wears something revealing, like many of you are doing tonight, Indian men say shit like, “Oh, she’s asking for it.” Am I wrong, ladies?

Let me give you context. Who believes me? Because they do not understand your correct angles. You accept that shit, but… But when you’re new poor, you have a fresh reminder of what you’re missing.

You jumble up letters. I got 20% more fame at the expense of 80% of my credibility.

Kind of scary. It’s debit, credit.

Look how happy you look right now. It made me so happy, guys. I read the script. And I thought about how many Hindus this story is going to piss off. That’s what I believe. I don’t know how to be a feminist. She read the news for Doordarshan.

I say, “Well done, racists.” And, no, you know the best thing about racism? Remember? I felt intense, crippling shame, like I had messed up everything I had built for ten years. Just the BuzzFeed articles rising in their bodies. #MakeVirMarvel All right, uh… It could happen, right? Or maybe they don’t care as long as it’s not a brown cow. Which, going by the news, is about three weeks from now. When I was 12 years old, my best friend Amandeep got appendicitis.

Come on, everybody sing the song. I can. It’ll happen because of you, you, you. They’re like, “Mrs. I’m a dreamer, San Francisco. Vir Das: Losing It (2018) – Full Transcript December 15, 2018 The world's got a lot of problems, but Vir Das has a lot of answers as he discusses … Build that wall.

There was a normal Punjabi surgery happening. Just know that.” Smiley face.

I’m sorry. Feel better, ladies, yeah? Ram got pissed. I don’t know, we haven’t shut the fuck up long enough to know what you want to hear, all right? They let you in, irrespective of, like, your income group, your sexual preference, your nationality. Go to the forest and get me a deer. Last month, I went back to my college, Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. Who here has read The Ramayan? All rights reserved. Look, Americans… Mastizaade was a really big budget sex comedy film… starring me. I believe we deserve equal rights. You’re like, “Listen, I haven’t acted yet. When 99% of men are failures, why are we so obsessed with the idea of accomplishment? India has 72 million uneducated Indian men left over if you do this. I lived that dream. You just thought there was 300 bucks in there for a rainy day, right? So I’m in therapy. The world will be okay when every religion in the world learns to have some fun and chill the fuck out. Ram and Sita lived in the forest together for how many years? But if you hand your friend the phone, they will fuck up the selfie. It’s very freeing. And sometimes that piece of meat would come back unfinished, a few bites left, and it just… God, it bred this… …this darkness, this resentment inside of me. Sunny Leone, one of the most beautiful women in the world, and you think… you think you are going to have cool stories to tell your children when they’re growing up. You ever take a selfie? What is that shit, bro? Ronny Chieng (“The Daily Show,” “Crazy Rich Asians”) takes center stage in this stand-up special and riffs on modern American life and more. I think for God, man is that friend. Kind of. Your email address will not be published.

Yeah? You, Leonardo? That’s what I learned. You know what? I said, “Look at these fucking Americans wasting their beef! And, Muslims, you get Friday? You just got Slumdogged. Now it’s election strategy. “Excuse me, ma’am.

Her under-boob must be so sore with the wire all tight jammed in there.” Most guys aren’t laughing ’cause you don’t know there’s a wire in the under-boob.

India’s biggest star spreading his arms and a girl runs towards him.

There are problems with this strategy. I saw the entire world. A dictator got shot, government changed, expats fled, and all of a sudden, we were poor for the first time, but the worst kind of poor, guys. ‘Cause if you write a blog after this shit, I will go to jail. Because you guys are sticking around. I was 16 years old. There’s first, second… third… …third… …third… and fourth.

A fucking doctor told me that shit.

Required fields are marked *. I could wear a T-shirt that said, “Fuck me in the ass.” I give you full permission to fuck me in the ass and nobody would do anything about that. I’m done.” “So you’re finished?” “No.” And then I did the most un-Indian thing I might have ever done. Now, see, Indians are so uncomfortable. Could you do another lap, please?” D-dshhhh.

You know, you can’t just drape two bed sheets around yourself and run an investment bank.

You should have seen her in 2014.

What the hell do I do?” So I panic and I run out of this restaurant, and I see that the waitress is running after me. Do you want to know what my job was in 2002? We don’t even want you to cultivate an opinion. So, tonight, because we are in San Francisco… with your permission… I would like to take America through The Ramayan. One second, I’ll do it again. Fucking Vodafone wouldn’t call me. Pretty much anywhere but temples, churches and mosques. Can we agree on that, yeah?

You just hide chocolate goats in the garden.

I believe I have ‘accendipitis’.” And my teacher was like, “I think that boy’s gay.” So, now I’m just in the hospital eating ice cream for two weeks. But nobody’s looking for hidden messages in men’s clothing, are they? Who drew that shit? Big, big balls.” And then you stay there… anticipating… longing… ’cause the girl is running towards you in slow motion.

For a woman, the world is Amazon.in. I lost him last year. It’s the end of the movie. You know what I was trying to do with that movie? And we legit don’t eat beef.

I tipped… …well. So, for the Americans, let’s recap the story of The Ramayan.

No, we care about what women wear. Now, Indians, I know why you’re upset. We flew him in for the Netflix special. “I have balls. He was the greatest storyteller I ever met. I grew up in Africa.

Thanos is about to kill the world. My father is my hero. That was her thigh-high boots year. Muslims, Allah is your Batman. Or did you think I wasn’t coming to you, huh? Did you see Black Panther? So every time India is at war with a country, you send these Indian men in and tell them to just exist. And the best thing about his stories were that they had no relevance to the conversation you were trying to have. Big, big balls.” Come, look at my balls. Oh, you think she looks slutty now? We just end it with “don’t eat beef.” “Don’t eat beef” is our “Despacito.” We always come back to that shit in a circle.

Couple entry only. And the rest of this is a silent bit. I went on my first world tour. We had a house with an electric fence around it.

I make a noise and the doctors believe the beautiful lie.

My check was $42. You get to ask for it. Shut the fuck up!

We are militant about that shit. Because in those beautiful five seconds when you fall asleep at night, when your dreams mesh into your reality… all a scientist dreams of being… …is a monkey. Comedian Vir Das critics nationalism, globalism and bad politics in two performances in New York and New Delhi. Because it is available, I promise you.

They got Black Panther. Based on a true story.

And just like Indian traffic, the entire movie comes to a standstill around the cow. It’s not a Punjabi sound I’m familiar with. Just… Ram was like, “Okay, sh… …I’m gonna shoot the deer.” “Good!” “Ram.” “What?” “Why don’t we…” “What?” “Shiva gave it to me, all right?” “Shoot the deer.” “I can see you.” “What is this?” “Shiva gave it to me.” Look, if you remove the bullshit from religion, if you lose 80% of your religion, what’s left over is a cool story.

I’m hurt, San Francisco.

If I distort facts about The Ramayan, I can go to jail. Three, four words. So, the next time you Indian boys, you go out to a club and you see a beautiful girl walking towards you, just mini-skirt, cleavage, heels… …your first thought as an Indian male is, “Her feet must be tired, man. I identify as a feminist. I got given an honorary doctorate. If there’s one thing we can learn from racists, it’s less talk, more action.

My childhood.

That’s brown and gray.

I remember the first time I told my mom, typical Indian mom, I was like, “Mom, I can’t write joint letters.” And she was like, “Why don’t you write all the letters first and join them later?” “Because I’m writing an essay, Mom, not designing a fucking freeway.” So I had to write all of my exams in block letters, so in my final grade 12 exam, I got 52% in English, even though my answers were good. My Understanding of Vir Das' "Abroad Understanding" "Tonight, maybe for the first time, the Indian accent can be a perspective, not a punchline." You couldn’t draw a tricep, you son of a bitch?” Hindus, I think the first time our God Ganesha walked into a temple, he was like, “What the fuck is that?

Thank you so much, San Francisco. And that’s a question I have about men. New poor. I spoke to one and she said, “If you want to be a good feminist, forget how you treat women, begin with how you view yourself as a man because 80% of masculinity is bullshit.” And you think about that… Like, aren’t you tired of being a man? Maybe, I never grew up in Africa. Raise your hands. My father went from driving a Mercedes S-Class, beautiful German engineering, to driving a Maruti 800.

I dream that… one day… monkeys will give scientists equal rights. You know what I’m talking about. The minute you mention any other profession apart from doctor, lawyer, or engineer, Indians are like, “See, he struggled. Don’t think about that shit. Sita went missing. You can give yourself appendicitis. That’s where I believe God exists.

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